The Mt. Holly Register is the official mouthpiece of the city of Mt. Holly, MN (pop. 1) and a tax loophole of the La Mano Rendering Facility.
Mayor: Mike Haeg,
Population: 1
Exports: The entire fiscal income of Mt. Holly, MN is derived from the creation of art and advertising.
The Mt. Holly Mash Pole - ongoing.
Mt. Holly exists at 44.7960 Degrees North Latitude / 93.5259 Degrees West Longitude. How far is it to your home, barbershop, or summer place? Figure out the distance and direction from Mt. Holly to your life and put them on an arrow pointing in the right direction and send it to me. I will send you an arrow in return. 305 Holmes St. Mt. Holly, MN 55379. Please allow 3-4 weeks for completion.
Edward 40-hands Reunion - TBA
The awe-inspiring confluence of two astronomical drunks will reoccur late June when Matthew Bottkol and your rummy of a mayor duct tape 40-ouncers to their hands for the amusement of Mt. Holly tourists. Ye of religious inclinations should bow your heads in silent prayer that this never happens to you.
In light of recent idolatry developments, Mayor Haeg opens the near rusted shut doors of the crypt-like Mt. Holly Mayor's Office. Haeg describes the revolutionary move as a touch of Wonka-esque magic, polished with the blood, sweat and tears of anyone who dares enter his office.
After snatching this reporter's microphone, and turning to address an imaginary television camera, Haeg launched this palatalized tirade:"Well, Jim Ross, when you live in a glass house and your name is Ric Flair, you can do anything any day of your life that you want to. And when you make projections, when you are not only the greatest wrestler alive and you stand on top of a financial empire and you control the female population of the world. Right girls? Then you are prepared, each and every day to be at your best or you don't stay on top. Sure, Ric Flair styles and profiles. He just happens to be a kiss-stealing, wheeling dealing, limousine riding, jet-flying, son-of-a-gun. But you know why? because he is the very best at what he does every day of his life. And the bottom line will be when its all over you're gonna say what caused all of that? And, I'm gonna say, Ric Flair! WOOOoooooooooOOOO!" - Haeg
Neglected Public Library Receives First New Book in Years -- FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!
Back in the day, people photocopied their concerns, ponderances, and dreams at late night copy shops for distribution to the masses. Long before the internet, years ahead of the "Zine (pronounced Zeen) Revolution" a saintly man dropped off of the grid, began a quest for a simpler life, and shared his journey with the world. That man was Thoreau, and he was was a self-serving, intellectual douchebag compared to Ernest Mann. From capturing squirrels, to building a boat, to divorce, Mann's writings have level headed and inspirational advice that will change the way you think about your life. Mt. Holly, MN would have never been founded if I had never had the opportunity to split a Grain Belt with this great man before his untimely death 10 years ago. Check it out - It's free. Just the way Ernest would have liked it. PS: Chomsky is a Ho!
In Next Month's Register -
C4 injected canaries fortify robotic ape's snake and fork cannons. 12 things you can do to prevent me from burning down your house. Plus, 4 new record reviews for you to ignore.