RECORD BREAKING FISH SPARKS BIZZARE MURDER SUICIDE. Mt. Holly, Minnesota reported the first and second fatalities in the small town's history last Thursday when a Prior Lake man took the life of a 40-lb bass and then extinguished his own life.
"God damn, that sum bitch," reflected the Mt. Holly Chief of Police, "we had a pretty good record going here ourself." It's true. Until Thursday's events, the city was able to boast the lowest homicide rate in the world. "Now, with a rate of like 20%, we're one of the highest." The Prior Lake man, whose family have requested annonymity, caught the record breaking fish in the fetid water below the Mt. Holly Hydroelectric Facility, an area where the removal of fish is strictly forbidden. "If I can't have her, no one can have her," shouted the angler, when confronted by the authorities. The fisherman then slit the fishes gills before wrapping an achor rope around his own neck and plunging into the water. - Haeg
DUMPSTERED COUCH TURNS OUT TO BE NOT SUCH A BARGAIN. "Me and the missus were just sitting down to some cobbler, beer and that new Time Life program with that Bowzer fella on it, when shit got freaky," reports local couch potoato, M.T. Haeg. "The lights started flickering, the TV switched over to that Time Life program with Pebo Bryson. Next thing we know there's this old, semi-transparent couple sitting next to us on the couch." "The man ghost smelled like a Manhattan and kept trying to unbutton my shirt," alleges Haeg's wife, who demanded he return the couch inmmediately to the dumpster it came from.- Haeg
FIRST LADY RETURNS TO SCHOOL!!!
"I think it has something to do with teaching animals to hunt and cook themselves," boasts proud Mt. Holly Mayor. - Haeg
Saturday, November 1st, 2008
This year we are having a hipster swap meet in addition to a great slew of movies. What's hipster swap meet you ask? Well, you know that box of things that you've moved with you 10 times in the past 10 years? The one that has that stuff in it that's too cool to part with, but that you still haven't found a use for? You know, the one containing the view-master reels, the micronaut missing an arm, and the catholic school yearbook from 1957? Bring that box to Mt. Holly and barter with others who brought their boxes of cool stuff for some of there likewise cool stuff. No cash can trade hands. Otherwise, anything goes.
2008 movie line-up (subject to change)
6:00 - I'm from Hollywood.
7:00 - How's Your News?
8:30 - HYN? Coverage of the 2004 Election
9:00 - Dancing Outlaw
10:30 - It's Back! Shriek of The Mutilated
12:00 - Fog Movies
So, pack up some blankets, something to drink and a box of cool stuff to swap. Open to the public.
Mt. Holly on Googe Maps for directions
©2008 / The Mount Holly Register / 305 Holmes St / Mt. Holly, MN 55379