The Mt. Holly Register is the official mouthpiece of the city of Mt. Holly, MN (pop. 1) and a tax loophole of the La Mano Rendering Facility.


11 July , 2007 edition  

Saturday Aug 04, 2007

* 8:00 AM - 8:00 PM Sidewalk Sales
* 8:00 AM - 11:00 PM Food Vendors
* 8:30 AM FREE Kids Pedal Pull
* 9:00 AM Volleyball Tournament
* 9:00 AM 3-on-3 Basketball Tournament
* 9:00 AM - 1:00 PM FREE Car Seat Clinic
* 9:00 AM - 6:00 PM Market Fair Vendors
* 9:30 AM 5K Turf Run
10:00 AM FREE Kiddie Parade - Dress as your favorite monster and terrorize the town!
* 10:00 AM - 3:00 PM Ice Cream Social
* 10:00 AM - 4:00 PM Book Sale
* 10:00 AM - 9:00 PM Family Fun Park
* 10:30 AM FREE Sawdust Pile
* 11:00 AM Diaper Derby and Toddler Trot
* 11:00 AM - 4:00 PM Fire Station Open House
11:00 AM - 11:30 PM BYOBeer Garden
* 12:30 PM - 4:30 PM FREE Train Rides
1:00 - Free Music in the Garage (tentative)
* 1:00 PM - 3:00 PM Juggler
* 1:00 PM - 4:00 PM Bingo
* 2:00 PM FREE Water Fights
2:00 Free Music in the Garage pt. 2 (tentative)
* 3:00 PM Soap Box Derby
3:00 You brought her you Euchre! Card party
6:00 Scott County Hold 'em Tournament
* 7:00 PM - 11:30 PM FREE Street Dance

Items marked with an (*) Take place withing one or two blocks of Mt. Holly. Click here for more info Shakopee-is-a-suburb-of-Mt.-Holly Days

With the discovery of this napkin lodged in the City Hall Mail Slot, Mt. Holly's mayor, declares victory over rampant illiteracy associated with his city's recent population windfall. "I knew that if I did nothing, things would either work themselves out or people would just plain stop caring. It feels good to never again have to recieve letters like this one or the responsibility associated with it." states Haeg.

As a holder of a key to the city, I am still very concerned about the literacy rate of Mt. Holly. I believe my previous e-mail suggested that you look to George Bush for leadership in this area. After all, he is the "great decider". In his first term he appointed the commissioner of education from Texas as US Commissioner of Education. In Texas they had wonderful test scores for their schools .... some of the best in the nation. They knew that testing was done every other year. for example, in 6th grade and then in 8th grade.Their solution was to keep less gifted students in 5th grade for two years (while actually teaching them 6th grade material), and then promote them to 7th grade, so when the tested those students did not lower Texas test scores. The students who might ruin the test scores never took the tests, but did make their way through school.

I forget the name of the commissioner, but I would suggest your Mt. Holly commissioner of education consult with George Bush, who could put you in contact with the genius to devised this plan.


My suggestion would be that you test for literacy on days when the younger citizens of Mt. Holly are absent or asleep and therefore they would not impact the test scores.

It is somewhat disgraceful for a city featured on TV to have one of the lowest literacy rates in the state, so I hope there is some urgency in addressing this problem. As a holder of a key to the city, I feel somewhat tainted by these low scores. I want to be proud and be able to hold my head high when out in public.

I don't mean to sound threatening, but I will be watching with bias and malevolence.
Norbert Gernes - Proud Mt. Holly Keyholder

Heag's commitment to inactivity has landed him in hot water over his most receent term. Neglect has led Mt. Holly citizens to erect and worship a false polititian and even mutany.

As holder of a key to the city, I had hoped to hear, with pride, of your veteran's health care program, but I heard nothing of it in the report. Thus, I am forced to conclude that you are following the national model and completely ignoring medical needs of veterans!!! I would suggest that you as Mayor direct your Surgeon General to contact Walter Reed Hospital to learn how to provide top quality care.

I don't mean to sound threatening, but I will be watching with bias and malevolence.
Norbert Gernes - Proud Mt. Holly Keyholder

Dear Mr. Gernes,
I would like to introduce you to Mt. Holly's newest charity case, Jerry Deutch. God Bless America!

In Next Month's Register -
Robotic Ape Mauls Unsuspecting Norbert Gernes.

Philatelic Collectors mail to: 305 Holmes St • Mt. Holly, MN 55379a - all postcards answered by Mt. Holly postmaster & outlaw professional wrestler, the Mysterion. ......©2005, La Mano 21